THE SIZZLING WAS ALMOST ENOUGH to make me scream. Plumes of smoke spiraled up from the table. Chunky guacamole sat untouched next to a full basket of salted tortilla chips.
Tension grew between my two best friends and me as silence stretched over the tiny table. Lucy blinked finally, but the horror on her face remained. When the wait became excruciating, I repeated myself. “I’m leaving Bill.”
“You’re telling us this over fajitas?” Lucy asked, shaking her head with disbelief.
I shrugged, not casually, but because there was no appropriate way to respond to such a question. I glanced from Lucy to Gretchen, who reached out to clasp her hand over mine. I was drowning, and she could tell.
“Is this why you’ve been distant since I returned from Paris?” Lucy asked me. Her eyes cut to Gretchen. “And why don’t you look surprised?”
“I’m not,” Gretchen said evenly.
“Did something happen while I was on my honeymoon?” Lucy continued, subconsciously touching her new wedding band.
“Something happened,” I confirmed. “And that something is that I’m in love.”
Up until that moment, Gretchen had looked almost relieved. Now she gasped as a breathtaking smile broke out across her face.
“Well, I’d have to be, wouldn’t I?” I asked.
She nodded, her mass of blonde curls bouncing joyfully.
“You’re in love with your husband,” Lucy stated, straightening her shoulders. “Bill.”
“Luce.” I took a deep breath and addressed her with unwavering focus. “You and Gretchen have been my best friends for a long time. When something this big happens in my life, I want to share it with you. I’m in love with someone else, and I’m leaving Bill for him.”
She lunged against the table. “What the fuck?” she screeched.
I winced. Lucy was sweet, doe-eyed and polite. She didn’t screech, she squealed—and she never cursed. “I know it’s shocking,” I said. “I wanted you to hear it from me before I talk to Bill.”
Her mouth fell open. “You haven’t told Bill?”
I shook my head.
“Who is this guy?”
The night before, I’d leaped, literally and figuratively, for ‘this guy.’ And he had caught me in his arms, taking my weight with ease. Rain drenched us, our lips joined and relief melted the muscular arms around me. Our foreheads met. He told me he loved me. I told him he was my home.
A small smile dissolved the tension in my face. “I’m leaving my husband for David Dylan.”
Her brown eyes doubled in size, and she gripped the table until her knuckles whitened. “Excuse me?”
My smile faltered as reality slashed through the sweet memory.
“What are you talking about?” Lucy intoned. “Do you hear what you just said?”
“You’re in shock,” Gretchen said. “Just listen.”
“You knew about this?” Lucy shot back, redirecting her glare at Gretchen.
“Some of it.”
“David Dylan,” Lucy echoed. “As in, my client, Andrew’s friend, Dani’s—” Her eyes darted frantically over the table as she tried to find the word.
“Yes,” I said softly. “Your client, your husband’s friend and the man your sister was involved with.”
“How did this happen?”
“I’m sorry to spring this on you both, but like I said, you’re my best friends.” I looked between them. “I need you now. I need you there after I tell Bill.”
“How?” Lucy repeated quietly.
“David and I have a . . . connection. I wish I could show you how I’m feeling, Luce, because it’s impossible to describe. Bill has always been good to me, and I love him, I do. I don’t want to hurt him. But with David, it’s different, it’s—”
“Of course it’s different,” Lucy interrupted. She held up her fingers to tick off each point. “David is gorgeous. Wealthy. Charming. Experienced.” Her hands flew up in exasperation. “He knows exactly what you want to hear.”
“You set him up with your sister,” I pointed out.
“That’s something else entirely. He knows she’s not the type you just fool around with.”
“And I am?”
“No, but that’s irrelevant because you’re married. You’re married,” she repeated. “What are you doing?”
I just stared at her, my mouth hanging open slightly.
“He is a total player,” Lucy continued, her face contorting with disgust. “I set him up with Dani so he could see that there are women out there worth settling down for. But he’s not the type of guy you leave your husband for. Jesus Christ. I mean, does he think of you as some sort of challenge?”
She had pinpointed my greatest insecurity and shoved it in my face. David was a player. He had women falling all over him, and I knew he’d taken advantage of that. What made me different? Was it because he’d had to chase me? Without evidence to deny Lucy’s claims, I remained quiet and wrung my hands in my lap.
“I’ve talked to him.” We both turned to Gretchen. “I’ve talked to David,” she said, “and this isn’t a game for him. He is crazy about her. He loves her. He told me.”
My skin prickled as I thought of my David: sexy, tall and strong, with an enormous and loving heart. It gave me the strength to beat back the doubt creeping in.
“That’s utterly ridiculous.” Lucy’s voice, hard-edged, cut into my thoughts. “He’d say anything to get what he wants. What makes her different from the hordes of women he sleeps with?”
“It’s different because every time we’re in the same room, I can barely stand not to touch him, to feel him, to look into his eyes. In his arms I feel safe. I feel loved. Not the way Bill loves me, but loved in a way that I could almost open up my chest and give him my heart.”
They both gaped at me, not bothering to hide their surprise. Lucy visibly grasped at words. “Wow,” she said softly. “I never thought I would hear something like that come out of your mouth. It’s so . . . not you. It’s romantic and—and emotional.”
I sighed my relief and nodded.
“But I don’t think you’ve thought this through. You met David when? At my engagement—oh, God, I’m going to be sick. This is my fault.” She put her head in her hands.
“No, no. I met him at your engagement party, but I saw him before then, the night we went to the ballet. Remember that, Andrew’s firm had tickets? David was there, and we had this . . . I never thought I’d say this, but it was like we were meant to see each other in that moment.”
Gretchen smiled. “It’s really romantic, Luce, if you think about it.”
Lucy’s face was still in her hands. She looked up finally and pinned me with a glare. “Have you slept with him?”
My eyebrows joined with confusion. It was true, what I was doing to Bill was awful, but this was Lucy, the idealist. Couldn’t she see the romance of me and David? My heart skipped when I answered her. “Yes.”
“Oh my—”
“I couldn’t not,” I pleaded.
“That’s bullshit,” Lucy spat. “You’re stronger than that. You’ve always been strong.”
“Which just goes to show that I—”
“Stop. Just stop. You’ve been lying to all of us, including my sister, for what? Seven fucking months? Is seven months even long enough to know that you’re ready to give everything up?”
I hesitated. “How long did it take you to fall in love with Andrew?”
The way her face morphed had me shrinking in my seat. “You’re sick, Olivia. If you think messing around with someone like David is anything close to what Andrew and I have, then you know nothing about love. That’s ridiculous.”
“Come on, that’s not fair,” Gretchen said defensively. “Have you ever seen Liv this passionate? With Bill? You know this is the right thing, you just don’t want to say it.”
Lucy averted her eyes as I looked from her to Gretchen. Had she just said I was doing the right thing?
“This is not right,” Lucy mumbled, crossing her arms. “Bill loves you, he trusts you, and this is how you repay him?” She paled, her face almost green. “You made a vow to him. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
My chest grew heavy, and a lump formed in my throat. “Of course it does,” I said, just above a whisper. “I love Bill, but things just aren’t right with him.”
“So you go to counseling!” she cried. “You don’t fuck someone else!”
I tried picturing David’s face from last night, the way he had looked right after I’d told him he was my home. But I couldn’t in that moment, and I began to waver. Had I thought this through? Did I owe my marriage another chance? What was I thinking, agreeing to leave my husband of three years for someone I barely knew? Tears pooled in my eyes, and I bit my lip to hold them back. Gretchen scooted her chair closer to mine and hugged me from the side.
Lucy cocked her head, peered at me and sighed. “Look,” she started gently, “you don’t have to do this. You said you haven’t told Bill?”
“He only knows David and I slept together. He’s known for weeks, but he never even asked if I had feelings for David. I do—”
“Then it’s not too late to call this off,” Lucy said. “I can see that you’re really wrapped up in David, but we will help you through it. Couples survive affairs all the time. We’ll get you through this with Bill. And it will be hard, but I promise not to say anything to Andrew about you wanting to leave. Bill doesn’t have to know.”
“But,” I said. “David . . .”
“Forget him,” Lucy urged. “Is he worth losing everything?”
I took a deep, stuttering breath and nodded barely.
Her face fell. “Everything?” she asked blankly. “Everything?” I just stared at her until she rose from the table. “I can’t,” she said, snatching her purse from the back of her chair. “I can’t watch you do this.”
“Lucy, wait, please,” I begged as she turned to leave.
She looked back and fixed steady eyes on me. “Don’t tell Bill. If you decide to do the right thing, call me, I will be there. But I won’t sit back and watch you throw everything away.”
After she stormed away, I turned to Gretchen. “What am I doing? Am I making a mistake?” I fought back tears as I looked at her. “Oh, God. I don’t think I can go through with it.”
She put her arms back around me and hugged. As we sat in silence, the doubt Lucy had planted began to take hold inside me, feeding off the guilt and shame I’d been harboring for months. Gretchen separated from me finally and brushed a piece of hair from my forehead. “I want to say something, but I’m afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass.”
My eyes dropped to my lap.
“I’m going to tell you anyway,” she continued, “because I love you, and I think you need to hear it.” She sighed and picked at her nail polish, obviously deep in thought. Seconds ticked by until she eventually spoke again. “You’re not making a mistake,” she said softly.
“What?”
“Bill is not right for you. I never thought so. You’re my best friend in the world, and all I ever wanted for you is to find happiness again, for someone to open your eyes to all the love out there. When you said yes to Bill, I couldn’t believe it. I could not believe that he was the one you chose when you could have anyone.” I laughed nervously, and she snapped her fingers at me. “Anyone, Olivia. I mean it. And not only that, but you deserve more than what Bill gives you.”
“There was a time when you said Bill loved me so much. The way you said it, it seemed like you thought I wasn’t worthy of being loved that way.”
“No, honey. No. Why would I think that as your best friend?” she asked. “I remember that conversation at my place, the night you told me you had feelings for David. I meant that Bill loves you so much, and he would never hurt you, but . . . that’s not a reason to commit the rest of your life to him. Sweetie, you picked him because he was safe, like I said before, and because he couldn’t hurt you. How could he, when you never let him close enough to?”
“But maybe I should have. And maybe Lucy’s right about counseling.”
“And maybe,” she said, “he never gave you a reason to let him in. The last few weeks that you and David weren’t speaking, you thought it was over between you two. If Bill had left you when you told him you cheated, do you think it would have hurt as much as losing David did?”
I shook my head, though I was ashamed to admit she was right.
“I want to see you with someone you love so much, you can’t bear it,” she said.
“How do you know David is that person?”
“I’ve only seen a fraction of what you’ve been through this last month. Only what you’ve let me see. And just that little bit was heartbreaking. But it also gave me faith that you were within reach again.”
“Within reach?”
“You’ve been so closed off since your parents’ divorce, honey. You have to let go of that. You have to take this chance on love. I know I had no right to call David and tell him to go to you last night. I know that Bill will hate me forever if he finds out. But I needed to see for myself if David was going through the same thing as you. And I could hear in his voice that he was. I don’t know if he threw cereal against the wall,” she said with a small smile, “but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had.”
I smiled, even though the pain was fresh. Two nights earlier, I thought I would die on my couch of heartbreak, shame and grief. I knew if I’d seen Gretchen the way she’d seen me, I would’ve done the same thing.
She rubbed my arm. “Like I said, I might regret saying this, but I think you’re making the right choice.”
“Breaking Bill’s heart, leaving my apartment, telling my parents I’m a cheater, divorce . . . you think it’s right?”
“My gut tells me yes.”
I sighed, and though it weighed my heart with shame, I said, “Mine too.”
Her smile broke. “So what happens now?”
My heart was suddenly pounding. Bill was on his way home a day early from his work trip to St. Louis. He’d be back tonight. At eight o’clock. I’d been avoiding his calls, so all this I knew from an e-mail. I swallowed dryly and glanced at the clock on the wall over Gretchen’s head: 6:45.
“Bill gets home in an hour.”
“Will David be there?”
I shook my head. “I told him he couldn’t be.”
Gretchen took my hand. “Are you sure about that? I’ll bet he’s freaking the fuck out.”
“He is,” I said, “but I’m sure. This is something I need to do on my own.”
Tension grew between my two best friends and me as silence stretched over the tiny table. Lucy blinked finally, but the horror on her face remained. When the wait became excruciating, I repeated myself. “I’m leaving Bill.”
“You’re telling us this over fajitas?” Lucy asked, shaking her head with disbelief.
I shrugged, not casually, but because there was no appropriate way to respond to such a question. I glanced from Lucy to Gretchen, who reached out to clasp her hand over mine. I was drowning, and she could tell.
“Is this why you’ve been distant since I returned from Paris?” Lucy asked me. Her eyes cut to Gretchen. “And why don’t you look surprised?”
“I’m not,” Gretchen said evenly.
“Did something happen while I was on my honeymoon?” Lucy continued, subconsciously touching her new wedding band.
“Something happened,” I confirmed. “And that something is that I’m in love.”
Up until that moment, Gretchen had looked almost relieved. Now she gasped as a breathtaking smile broke out across her face.
“Well, I’d have to be, wouldn’t I?” I asked.
She nodded, her mass of blonde curls bouncing joyfully.
“You’re in love with your husband,” Lucy stated, straightening her shoulders. “Bill.”
“Luce.” I took a deep breath and addressed her with unwavering focus. “You and Gretchen have been my best friends for a long time. When something this big happens in my life, I want to share it with you. I’m in love with someone else, and I’m leaving Bill for him.”
She lunged against the table. “What the fuck?” she screeched.
I winced. Lucy was sweet, doe-eyed and polite. She didn’t screech, she squealed—and she never cursed. “I know it’s shocking,” I said. “I wanted you to hear it from me before I talk to Bill.”
Her mouth fell open. “You haven’t told Bill?”
I shook my head.
“Who is this guy?”
The night before, I’d leaped, literally and figuratively, for ‘this guy.’ And he had caught me in his arms, taking my weight with ease. Rain drenched us, our lips joined and relief melted the muscular arms around me. Our foreheads met. He told me he loved me. I told him he was my home.
A small smile dissolved the tension in my face. “I’m leaving my husband for David Dylan.”
Her brown eyes doubled in size, and she gripped the table until her knuckles whitened. “Excuse me?”
My smile faltered as reality slashed through the sweet memory.
“What are you talking about?” Lucy intoned. “Do you hear what you just said?”
“You’re in shock,” Gretchen said. “Just listen.”
“You knew about this?” Lucy shot back, redirecting her glare at Gretchen.
“Some of it.”
“David Dylan,” Lucy echoed. “As in, my client, Andrew’s friend, Dani’s—” Her eyes darted frantically over the table as she tried to find the word.
“Yes,” I said softly. “Your client, your husband’s friend and the man your sister was involved with.”
“How did this happen?”
“I’m sorry to spring this on you both, but like I said, you’re my best friends.” I looked between them. “I need you now. I need you there after I tell Bill.”
“How?” Lucy repeated quietly.
“David and I have a . . . connection. I wish I could show you how I’m feeling, Luce, because it’s impossible to describe. Bill has always been good to me, and I love him, I do. I don’t want to hurt him. But with David, it’s different, it’s—”
“Of course it’s different,” Lucy interrupted. She held up her fingers to tick off each point. “David is gorgeous. Wealthy. Charming. Experienced.” Her hands flew up in exasperation. “He knows exactly what you want to hear.”
“You set him up with your sister,” I pointed out.
“That’s something else entirely. He knows she’s not the type you just fool around with.”
“And I am?”
“No, but that’s irrelevant because you’re married. You’re married,” she repeated. “What are you doing?”
I just stared at her, my mouth hanging open slightly.
“He is a total player,” Lucy continued, her face contorting with disgust. “I set him up with Dani so he could see that there are women out there worth settling down for. But he’s not the type of guy you leave your husband for. Jesus Christ. I mean, does he think of you as some sort of challenge?”
She had pinpointed my greatest insecurity and shoved it in my face. David was a player. He had women falling all over him, and I knew he’d taken advantage of that. What made me different? Was it because he’d had to chase me? Without evidence to deny Lucy’s claims, I remained quiet and wrung my hands in my lap.
“I’ve talked to him.” We both turned to Gretchen. “I’ve talked to David,” she said, “and this isn’t a game for him. He is crazy about her. He loves her. He told me.”
My skin prickled as I thought of my David: sexy, tall and strong, with an enormous and loving heart. It gave me the strength to beat back the doubt creeping in.
“That’s utterly ridiculous.” Lucy’s voice, hard-edged, cut into my thoughts. “He’d say anything to get what he wants. What makes her different from the hordes of women he sleeps with?”
“It’s different because every time we’re in the same room, I can barely stand not to touch him, to feel him, to look into his eyes. In his arms I feel safe. I feel loved. Not the way Bill loves me, but loved in a way that I could almost open up my chest and give him my heart.”
They both gaped at me, not bothering to hide their surprise. Lucy visibly grasped at words. “Wow,” she said softly. “I never thought I would hear something like that come out of your mouth. It’s so . . . not you. It’s romantic and—and emotional.”
I sighed my relief and nodded.
“But I don’t think you’ve thought this through. You met David when? At my engagement—oh, God, I’m going to be sick. This is my fault.” She put her head in her hands.
“No, no. I met him at your engagement party, but I saw him before then, the night we went to the ballet. Remember that, Andrew’s firm had tickets? David was there, and we had this . . . I never thought I’d say this, but it was like we were meant to see each other in that moment.”
Gretchen smiled. “It’s really romantic, Luce, if you think about it.”
Lucy’s face was still in her hands. She looked up finally and pinned me with a glare. “Have you slept with him?”
My eyebrows joined with confusion. It was true, what I was doing to Bill was awful, but this was Lucy, the idealist. Couldn’t she see the romance of me and David? My heart skipped when I answered her. “Yes.”
“Oh my—”
“I couldn’t not,” I pleaded.
“That’s bullshit,” Lucy spat. “You’re stronger than that. You’ve always been strong.”
“Which just goes to show that I—”
“Stop. Just stop. You’ve been lying to all of us, including my sister, for what? Seven fucking months? Is seven months even long enough to know that you’re ready to give everything up?”
I hesitated. “How long did it take you to fall in love with Andrew?”
The way her face morphed had me shrinking in my seat. “You’re sick, Olivia. If you think messing around with someone like David is anything close to what Andrew and I have, then you know nothing about love. That’s ridiculous.”
“Come on, that’s not fair,” Gretchen said defensively. “Have you ever seen Liv this passionate? With Bill? You know this is the right thing, you just don’t want to say it.”
Lucy averted her eyes as I looked from her to Gretchen. Had she just said I was doing the right thing?
“This is not right,” Lucy mumbled, crossing her arms. “Bill loves you, he trusts you, and this is how you repay him?” She paled, her face almost green. “You made a vow to him. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
My chest grew heavy, and a lump formed in my throat. “Of course it does,” I said, just above a whisper. “I love Bill, but things just aren’t right with him.”
“So you go to counseling!” she cried. “You don’t fuck someone else!”
I tried picturing David’s face from last night, the way he had looked right after I’d told him he was my home. But I couldn’t in that moment, and I began to waver. Had I thought this through? Did I owe my marriage another chance? What was I thinking, agreeing to leave my husband of three years for someone I barely knew? Tears pooled in my eyes, and I bit my lip to hold them back. Gretchen scooted her chair closer to mine and hugged me from the side.
Lucy cocked her head, peered at me and sighed. “Look,” she started gently, “you don’t have to do this. You said you haven’t told Bill?”
“He only knows David and I slept together. He’s known for weeks, but he never even asked if I had feelings for David. I do—”
“Then it’s not too late to call this off,” Lucy said. “I can see that you’re really wrapped up in David, but we will help you through it. Couples survive affairs all the time. We’ll get you through this with Bill. And it will be hard, but I promise not to say anything to Andrew about you wanting to leave. Bill doesn’t have to know.”
“But,” I said. “David . . .”
“Forget him,” Lucy urged. “Is he worth losing everything?”
I took a deep, stuttering breath and nodded barely.
Her face fell. “Everything?” she asked blankly. “Everything?” I just stared at her until she rose from the table. “I can’t,” she said, snatching her purse from the back of her chair. “I can’t watch you do this.”
“Lucy, wait, please,” I begged as she turned to leave.
She looked back and fixed steady eyes on me. “Don’t tell Bill. If you decide to do the right thing, call me, I will be there. But I won’t sit back and watch you throw everything away.”
After she stormed away, I turned to Gretchen. “What am I doing? Am I making a mistake?” I fought back tears as I looked at her. “Oh, God. I don’t think I can go through with it.”
She put her arms back around me and hugged. As we sat in silence, the doubt Lucy had planted began to take hold inside me, feeding off the guilt and shame I’d been harboring for months. Gretchen separated from me finally and brushed a piece of hair from my forehead. “I want to say something, but I’m afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass.”
My eyes dropped to my lap.
“I’m going to tell you anyway,” she continued, “because I love you, and I think you need to hear it.” She sighed and picked at her nail polish, obviously deep in thought. Seconds ticked by until she eventually spoke again. “You’re not making a mistake,” she said softly.
“What?”
“Bill is not right for you. I never thought so. You’re my best friend in the world, and all I ever wanted for you is to find happiness again, for someone to open your eyes to all the love out there. When you said yes to Bill, I couldn’t believe it. I could not believe that he was the one you chose when you could have anyone.” I laughed nervously, and she snapped her fingers at me. “Anyone, Olivia. I mean it. And not only that, but you deserve more than what Bill gives you.”
“There was a time when you said Bill loved me so much. The way you said it, it seemed like you thought I wasn’t worthy of being loved that way.”
“No, honey. No. Why would I think that as your best friend?” she asked. “I remember that conversation at my place, the night you told me you had feelings for David. I meant that Bill loves you so much, and he would never hurt you, but . . . that’s not a reason to commit the rest of your life to him. Sweetie, you picked him because he was safe, like I said before, and because he couldn’t hurt you. How could he, when you never let him close enough to?”
“But maybe I should have. And maybe Lucy’s right about counseling.”
“And maybe,” she said, “he never gave you a reason to let him in. The last few weeks that you and David weren’t speaking, you thought it was over between you two. If Bill had left you when you told him you cheated, do you think it would have hurt as much as losing David did?”
I shook my head, though I was ashamed to admit she was right.
“I want to see you with someone you love so much, you can’t bear it,” she said.
“How do you know David is that person?”
“I’ve only seen a fraction of what you’ve been through this last month. Only what you’ve let me see. And just that little bit was heartbreaking. But it also gave me faith that you were within reach again.”
“Within reach?”
“You’ve been so closed off since your parents’ divorce, honey. You have to let go of that. You have to take this chance on love. I know I had no right to call David and tell him to go to you last night. I know that Bill will hate me forever if he finds out. But I needed to see for myself if David was going through the same thing as you. And I could hear in his voice that he was. I don’t know if he threw cereal against the wall,” she said with a small smile, “but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had.”
I smiled, even though the pain was fresh. Two nights earlier, I thought I would die on my couch of heartbreak, shame and grief. I knew if I’d seen Gretchen the way she’d seen me, I would’ve done the same thing.
She rubbed my arm. “Like I said, I might regret saying this, but I think you’re making the right choice.”
“Breaking Bill’s heart, leaving my apartment, telling my parents I’m a cheater, divorce . . . you think it’s right?”
“My gut tells me yes.”
I sighed, and though it weighed my heart with shame, I said, “Mine too.”
Her smile broke. “So what happens now?”
My heart was suddenly pounding. Bill was on his way home a day early from his work trip to St. Louis. He’d be back tonight. At eight o’clock. I’d been avoiding his calls, so all this I knew from an e-mail. I swallowed dryly and glanced at the clock on the wall over Gretchen’s head: 6:45.
“Bill gets home in an hour.”
“Will David be there?”
I shook my head. “I told him he couldn’t be.”
Gretchen took my hand. “Are you sure about that? I’ll bet he’s freaking the fuck out.”
“He is,” I said, “but I’m sure. This is something I need to do on my own.”
isting it off my finger. I held it out to him.
He looked between the ring and my face so quickly that my heart dropped. “You’re giving me back your ring?” His voice was eerily low and calm. “You’re giving me back your damn ring?” His face became beet red, and he stalked toward me.
I backed away, tripping over a dining chair and dropping the ring. “It—it’s your grandmother’s—”
In one quick motion, he overturned the kitchen table so it crashed against the floor. I yelped as he punched a hole in the wall. “Get out,” he snapped.
I was cowering, unable to make my feet move. “I thought you’d—”
“I said get out!” He stormed over to the door, grabbed my duffel bag and tossed it out into the hallway.
Without a word, I watched his hands twitch and flex as I slunk by him. The door slammed deafeningly after me. I bent down gingerly and picked up the bag while the locks bolted on the other side.
I looked around at the place that was suddenly, somehow, no longer my home. I focused on circulating the cold air through my lungs as I made my way downstairs and to the street, rattled by the way he had suddenly exploded.
I glanced down at my hand. It felt different without the ring that had barely left my finger in over three years. Not right or wrong, just different. Final.
I found Gretchen nervously pacing on the sidewalk. “Hey,” I croaked, my voice catching. I cleared my throat and repeated myself.
“Shit,” she said. “I almost came up there to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, honey, you’re not fine,” she said, pulling me close.
“No,” I stated. “I’m not. But maybe I will be.” Hurting Bill was gut-wrenchingly awful. Something had given me the strength to do it, though. That something was David, and the promise of moving into new territory with him. It was letting him show me what his version of home meant.
She put an arm around me, and we began to walk. “How did it go?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “How are these things supposed to go?”
I felt her shrug against me. “No clue. Did he cry?”
“Almost. I gave him back the ring.”
I caught her grimace.
“I don’t feel right keeping it.”
“Yes, but . . . maybe it’s a little soon for that.”
“Soon?” I asked. “What do you mean? Soon, like, David might change his mind?”
“Uh, no. I mean soon, like, Bill is probably really upset right now and that might’ve been a little insensitive.”
“Oh.” My face flushed, but I nodded. “I should warn you,” I said, “he might think you’re involved with this.”
Her eyebrows knit, but her arm tightened around me as we walked. “I don’t care,” she said finally. “Maybe one day we can all be friends again, but for now, I just want to be there for you.”
“Thanks,” I said, but I frowned. “I wish Lucy were here.”
“I know,” she said, squeezing me to her. “She’ll come around, don’t worry.”
~
I wasn’t sure how, but Gretchen had arranged for us to have her apartment to ourselves for the night. Her two roommates, Bethany and Ava, were gone, and I was thankful for it.
“I have champagne and leftover cake if we’re celebrating,” Gretchen announced, “or ice cream and beer in case you feel like wallowing. Movie choices are The Break-Up, The Notebook or Kill Bill.”
I made a face as I stifled my laughter. “Kill Bill? That’s awful.”
“I know. I couldn’t resist.”
“I think I might like to do a little of both, celebrating and wallowing.”
“K . . . I can make that work,” she decided, disappearing into the kitchen.
I curled onto her couch and pulled the throw over myself. I rubbed my sore eyes and sighed. Gretchen’s company was nice, but I couldn’t help wanting to see David now that it was allowed. I had told him I would need space afterward, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to be held by him, to let him comfort me, to finally kiss him without the nagging guilt that was ever-present. I wondered if it would automatically be gone and what that would feel like.
But it was logical that I take the night to process my feelings over what had just happened. I shot David a quick text to tell him it was done and that I’d arrived safely at Gretchen’s. I promised I’d call him in the morning before work and then shut down my phone for the night.
Gretchen floated into the room with a plateful of cake and chocolate chip cookies. On her next round, she juggled three bowls: two with ice cream and a larger one full of popcorn.
“Oh my God,” I said with widened eyes. “This is heaven.” I hadn’t eaten the fajitas after all, and I had expelled anything in my stomach while waiting for Bill. I realized that anxiety had kept me from eating much the past twenty-four hours, and I was suddenly starving. Lastly, she brought out two beers and two glasses of champagne.
“Have at it,” she said, throwing a piece of popcorn up and catching it in her mouth.
We vetoed all chick flicks in favor of Caddyshack, one of our childhood favorites. The days to come would be hard, and I didn’t think I had any right to be laughing, but for the rest of the night, I only wanted to get lost in distraction. Just as Rodney Dangerfield was declared a menace, there was a knock on Gretchen’s door. She shot me an uncomfortable look and left the room.
When she reappeared, my heart skipped a beat because I knew what she would say. “It’s David,” she confirmed. “He’s being rather persistent about seeing you.”
I stood immediately and walked toward the door before pausing. “Is it okay with you? I don’t want to ruin our night.”
“It won’t ruin our night,” she said with a smile. “Are you ready to see him?”
“Yes,” I said and surprised her with a big hug. “I love you.”
“I think I like Olivia with David,” she teased, smacking me on the behind.
I opened the front door and was met with David’s wall of a body. He was propped against the doorjamb with two outstretched arms. I lost my breath just at the sight of him, especially when hit with the intensity in his light brown eyes. His black hair was wild in a non-purposeful way, as though he’d been running his hands through it, and he wore a hoodie with jeans. He looked angry, like a small boy who’d lost his favorite toy. “I tried to call.”
“I turned off my phone,” I said nervously.
“Tell me it’s over.”
“I did,” I said. “I texted you—”
“I want to hear you say it.”
I blinked at him. He looked determined, edgy—the volatile David with features as sharp as a knife. “It’s over,” I breathed.
He dropped his arms and scooped me up by my waist, flattening me against his long body. Underneath me, his chest heaved with relief. One hand slid up my back and grasped the nape of my neck. We looked each other in the eyes until our faces were an inch apart, drawing toward one another like magnets. “I’ve been so worried,” he murmured before his lips landed on mine. His warm, mint-flavored mouth invited me in, and our heads tilted away from each other just so we could get closer.
I melted into his warmth as my arms found their way around his neck. In that gesture, I claimed my reward for everything I’d been through—not just that day, but for months and months. And what a reward it was.
When we parted, I smiled at him and sifted his silky dark hair through my hands. “It’s over, David,” I whispered. “Over.”
His forehead rested against mine. “You have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that.”
I giggled softly. “Actually, I do.”
“I’ve been thinking about taking you again since I left your apartment last night. You can’t expect me not to get a hard-on the second I see you.”
I blushed. “Well, can you wait a little longer?”
He inhaled through his nose and squeezed me tightly. “No,” he said but set me on my feet. “What happened?”
“It was hard. Very, very hard. I was nervous.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, back in serious mode. “How did he react?”
“He was confused. I don’t know if he believes it’s really over.”
“Confused,” he muttered, looking away. When his eyes came back to mine, they were narrowed. “Angry?”
“He was more sad, I think. He got upset when I gave him the ring back.”
“Upset how? Did he touch you?” The words rushed out as though he’d been holding in the question all day. He pulled out my arm and pushed up my sleeve, running his hands over my skin.
“No. He flipped over a table and put a pretty decent hole in the wall, but other than that, no damage done.”
“Jesus Christ, Olivia. I told you, that’s why I wanted to be there. The thought of you alone with him in that state makes me crazy.”
“We were together a long time. I know he’d never hurt me.”
“You can’t know how he’ll react in a situation like this. You just ripped the carpet out from under him.”
I crossed my arms. “I’m aware. We had this conversation last night.”
“He could fly off the handle. He could’ve hurt you, and there would’ve been nobody there. In the future, don’t expect to get away with that.”
“Get away with what?” I asked, reeling back.
“With telling me how to protect you, how to keep you safe.”
I was about to react when he suddenly took my left hand and ran his thumb over the empty spot. “I have to say though, this makes me very happy.” He bent his head, kissed the place the ring had been and glanced up at me. “Very happy,” he rumbled.
I simultaneously felt my insides quicken and my heart melt. With his lips still on my hand, I warned, “It’s going to take a while for me to be okay.”
“I know, baby.” He dropped my hand and pulled me back into his all-encompassing embrace. “But I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.”
I didn’t know how to feel. The only other person who made me feel that secure was my dad, and I didn’t see much of him anymore. Bill had been there for me the best he knew how, but it didn’t always feel like he was on my side. With David, I felt like he was standing next to me, or in front of me, instead of somewhere around me. “Thank you,” I whispered up at him.
“Sure I can’t convince you to come home with me right now?”
I placed my hands on his chest. “I’m sure. Can we start with breakfast this weekend?” I suggested.
He grumbled something to himself.
“What?” I asked.
“I thought the deal was you stay here tonight only.”
“I don’t think we had a deal,” I said. “In fact, we have absolutely no plan.”
“You might not, but, baby, I have plans for you. And I would like to get started on those plans immediately.”
I loved the sound of that, but instead I said, “I just need a day or two to sort through everything.”
He pushed his hips into me leisurely, and the hard-on I’d felt before was considerably harder. “I can’t wait that long,” he said, his voice edging on whining.
“David,” I said, laughing in disbelief, “we’re obviously not very good at restraint, but I think you can wait another night.”
“If that’s what you think, then you don’t know me,” he stated.
I laughed again, this time at the fact that he thought a couple nights was a long time to go without sex. At that realization, the smile immediately slid off my face.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. What was that?”
I decided to let it go, not wanting to ruin the moment. I ran my hands up his chest and replaced them around his neck. “I just think it’s funny that after all these months, you can’t wait another day.”
“I’ve been waiting for this a long fucking time,” he declared. “Sue me if I want nothing more than to lock you in my apartment, throw you on my bed and have you until you beg me to stop.”
His words, aside from knotting my insides with excitement, rang familiar. I remembered he’d said them to me once before. The last time he’d said that, I couldn’t respond the way I’d wanted, so this time I did. “I’ll never beg you to stop,” I told him.
His chest vibrated against me when he growled. He still looked slightly angry, but now his eyes were hungry. “Then we’re in trouble if we expect to have a life outside the bedroom.”
I couldn’t suppress my grin. He was so adorable when he didn’t get what he wanted.
“I’ll give you your space,” he said, “but in exchange, I want the whole weekend.”
I moved my hands back against his hard pecs and nodded. “The weekend.”
He bent his head and kissed me softly on the lips. “You’re amazing. Thank you for today.”
I blew out a breath as my body warmed. I was just getting to see this sweet, romantic side of him, and I liked it a little too much.
“Go back inside,” he said, “or I will kidnap you and take you home now.”
“Okay.” I tried to pull away, but his arms were still locked around me.
“And turn your phone back on. I hate being out of touch.”
“Yes, sir. Talk to you tomorrow.”
He leaned over, gave me another kiss and left.
He looked between the ring and my face so quickly that my heart dropped. “You’re giving me back your ring?” His voice was eerily low and calm. “You’re giving me back your damn ring?” His face became beet red, and he stalked toward me.
I backed away, tripping over a dining chair and dropping the ring. “It—it’s your grandmother’s—”
In one quick motion, he overturned the kitchen table so it crashed against the floor. I yelped as he punched a hole in the wall. “Get out,” he snapped.
I was cowering, unable to make my feet move. “I thought you’d—”
“I said get out!” He stormed over to the door, grabbed my duffel bag and tossed it out into the hallway.
Without a word, I watched his hands twitch and flex as I slunk by him. The door slammed deafeningly after me. I bent down gingerly and picked up the bag while the locks bolted on the other side.
I looked around at the place that was suddenly, somehow, no longer my home. I focused on circulating the cold air through my lungs as I made my way downstairs and to the street, rattled by the way he had suddenly exploded.
I glanced down at my hand. It felt different without the ring that had barely left my finger in over three years. Not right or wrong, just different. Final.
I found Gretchen nervously pacing on the sidewalk. “Hey,” I croaked, my voice catching. I cleared my throat and repeated myself.
“Shit,” she said. “I almost came up there to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, honey, you’re not fine,” she said, pulling me close.
“No,” I stated. “I’m not. But maybe I will be.” Hurting Bill was gut-wrenchingly awful. Something had given me the strength to do it, though. That something was David, and the promise of moving into new territory with him. It was letting him show me what his version of home meant.
She put an arm around me, and we began to walk. “How did it go?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “How are these things supposed to go?”
I felt her shrug against me. “No clue. Did he cry?”
“Almost. I gave him back the ring.”
I caught her grimace.
“I don’t feel right keeping it.”
“Yes, but . . . maybe it’s a little soon for that.”
“Soon?” I asked. “What do you mean? Soon, like, David might change his mind?”
“Uh, no. I mean soon, like, Bill is probably really upset right now and that might’ve been a little insensitive.”
“Oh.” My face flushed, but I nodded. “I should warn you,” I said, “he might think you’re involved with this.”
Her eyebrows knit, but her arm tightened around me as we walked. “I don’t care,” she said finally. “Maybe one day we can all be friends again, but for now, I just want to be there for you.”
“Thanks,” I said, but I frowned. “I wish Lucy were here.”
“I know,” she said, squeezing me to her. “She’ll come around, don’t worry.”
~
I wasn’t sure how, but Gretchen had arranged for us to have her apartment to ourselves for the night. Her two roommates, Bethany and Ava, were gone, and I was thankful for it.
“I have champagne and leftover cake if we’re celebrating,” Gretchen announced, “or ice cream and beer in case you feel like wallowing. Movie choices are The Break-Up, The Notebook or Kill Bill.”
I made a face as I stifled my laughter. “Kill Bill? That’s awful.”
“I know. I couldn’t resist.”
“I think I might like to do a little of both, celebrating and wallowing.”
“K . . . I can make that work,” she decided, disappearing into the kitchen.
I curled onto her couch and pulled the throw over myself. I rubbed my sore eyes and sighed. Gretchen’s company was nice, but I couldn’t help wanting to see David now that it was allowed. I had told him I would need space afterward, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to be held by him, to let him comfort me, to finally kiss him without the nagging guilt that was ever-present. I wondered if it would automatically be gone and what that would feel like.
But it was logical that I take the night to process my feelings over what had just happened. I shot David a quick text to tell him it was done and that I’d arrived safely at Gretchen’s. I promised I’d call him in the morning before work and then shut down my phone for the night.
Gretchen floated into the room with a plateful of cake and chocolate chip cookies. On her next round, she juggled three bowls: two with ice cream and a larger one full of popcorn.
“Oh my God,” I said with widened eyes. “This is heaven.” I hadn’t eaten the fajitas after all, and I had expelled anything in my stomach while waiting for Bill. I realized that anxiety had kept me from eating much the past twenty-four hours, and I was suddenly starving. Lastly, she brought out two beers and two glasses of champagne.
“Have at it,” she said, throwing a piece of popcorn up and catching it in her mouth.
We vetoed all chick flicks in favor of Caddyshack, one of our childhood favorites. The days to come would be hard, and I didn’t think I had any right to be laughing, but for the rest of the night, I only wanted to get lost in distraction. Just as Rodney Dangerfield was declared a menace, there was a knock on Gretchen’s door. She shot me an uncomfortable look and left the room.
When she reappeared, my heart skipped a beat because I knew what she would say. “It’s David,” she confirmed. “He’s being rather persistent about seeing you.”
I stood immediately and walked toward the door before pausing. “Is it okay with you? I don’t want to ruin our night.”
“It won’t ruin our night,” she said with a smile. “Are you ready to see him?”
“Yes,” I said and surprised her with a big hug. “I love you.”
“I think I like Olivia with David,” she teased, smacking me on the behind.
I opened the front door and was met with David’s wall of a body. He was propped against the doorjamb with two outstretched arms. I lost my breath just at the sight of him, especially when hit with the intensity in his light brown eyes. His black hair was wild in a non-purposeful way, as though he’d been running his hands through it, and he wore a hoodie with jeans. He looked angry, like a small boy who’d lost his favorite toy. “I tried to call.”
“I turned off my phone,” I said nervously.
“Tell me it’s over.”
“I did,” I said. “I texted you—”
“I want to hear you say it.”
I blinked at him. He looked determined, edgy—the volatile David with features as sharp as a knife. “It’s over,” I breathed.
He dropped his arms and scooped me up by my waist, flattening me against his long body. Underneath me, his chest heaved with relief. One hand slid up my back and grasped the nape of my neck. We looked each other in the eyes until our faces were an inch apart, drawing toward one another like magnets. “I’ve been so worried,” he murmured before his lips landed on mine. His warm, mint-flavored mouth invited me in, and our heads tilted away from each other just so we could get closer.
I melted into his warmth as my arms found their way around his neck. In that gesture, I claimed my reward for everything I’d been through—not just that day, but for months and months. And what a reward it was.
When we parted, I smiled at him and sifted his silky dark hair through my hands. “It’s over, David,” I whispered. “Over.”
His forehead rested against mine. “You have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that.”
I giggled softly. “Actually, I do.”
“I’ve been thinking about taking you again since I left your apartment last night. You can’t expect me not to get a hard-on the second I see you.”
I blushed. “Well, can you wait a little longer?”
He inhaled through his nose and squeezed me tightly. “No,” he said but set me on my feet. “What happened?”
“It was hard. Very, very hard. I was nervous.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, back in serious mode. “How did he react?”
“He was confused. I don’t know if he believes it’s really over.”
“Confused,” he muttered, looking away. When his eyes came back to mine, they were narrowed. “Angry?”
“He was more sad, I think. He got upset when I gave him the ring back.”
“Upset how? Did he touch you?” The words rushed out as though he’d been holding in the question all day. He pulled out my arm and pushed up my sleeve, running his hands over my skin.
“No. He flipped over a table and put a pretty decent hole in the wall, but other than that, no damage done.”
“Jesus Christ, Olivia. I told you, that’s why I wanted to be there. The thought of you alone with him in that state makes me crazy.”
“We were together a long time. I know he’d never hurt me.”
“You can’t know how he’ll react in a situation like this. You just ripped the carpet out from under him.”
I crossed my arms. “I’m aware. We had this conversation last night.”
“He could fly off the handle. He could’ve hurt you, and there would’ve been nobody there. In the future, don’t expect to get away with that.”
“Get away with what?” I asked, reeling back.
“With telling me how to protect you, how to keep you safe.”
I was about to react when he suddenly took my left hand and ran his thumb over the empty spot. “I have to say though, this makes me very happy.” He bent his head, kissed the place the ring had been and glanced up at me. “Very happy,” he rumbled.
I simultaneously felt my insides quicken and my heart melt. With his lips still on my hand, I warned, “It’s going to take a while for me to be okay.”
“I know, baby.” He dropped my hand and pulled me back into his all-encompassing embrace. “But I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.”
I didn’t know how to feel. The only other person who made me feel that secure was my dad, and I didn’t see much of him anymore. Bill had been there for me the best he knew how, but it didn’t always feel like he was on my side. With David, I felt like he was standing next to me, or in front of me, instead of somewhere around me. “Thank you,” I whispered up at him.
“Sure I can’t convince you to come home with me right now?”
I placed my hands on his chest. “I’m sure. Can we start with breakfast this weekend?” I suggested.
He grumbled something to himself.
“What?” I asked.
“I thought the deal was you stay here tonight only.”
“I don’t think we had a deal,” I said. “In fact, we have absolutely no plan.”
“You might not, but, baby, I have plans for you. And I would like to get started on those plans immediately.”
I loved the sound of that, but instead I said, “I just need a day or two to sort through everything.”
He pushed his hips into me leisurely, and the hard-on I’d felt before was considerably harder. “I can’t wait that long,” he said, his voice edging on whining.
“David,” I said, laughing in disbelief, “we’re obviously not very good at restraint, but I think you can wait another night.”
“If that’s what you think, then you don’t know me,” he stated.
I laughed again, this time at the fact that he thought a couple nights was a long time to go without sex. At that realization, the smile immediately slid off my face.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. What was that?”
I decided to let it go, not wanting to ruin the moment. I ran my hands up his chest and replaced them around his neck. “I just think it’s funny that after all these months, you can’t wait another day.”
“I’ve been waiting for this a long fucking time,” he declared. “Sue me if I want nothing more than to lock you in my apartment, throw you on my bed and have you until you beg me to stop.”
His words, aside from knotting my insides with excitement, rang familiar. I remembered he’d said them to me once before. The last time he’d said that, I couldn’t respond the way I’d wanted, so this time I did. “I’ll never beg you to stop,” I told him.
His chest vibrated against me when he growled. He still looked slightly angry, but now his eyes were hungry. “Then we’re in trouble if we expect to have a life outside the bedroom.”
I couldn’t suppress my grin. He was so adorable when he didn’t get what he wanted.
“I’ll give you your space,” he said, “but in exchange, I want the whole weekend.”
I moved my hands back against his hard pecs and nodded. “The weekend.”
He bent his head and kissed me softly on the lips. “You’re amazing. Thank you for today.”
I blew out a breath as my body warmed. I was just getting to see this sweet, romantic side of him, and I liked it a little too much.
“Go back inside,” he said, “or I will kidnap you and take you home now.”
“Okay.” I tried to pull away, but his arms were still locked around me.
“And turn your phone back on. I hate being out of touch.”
“Yes, sir. Talk to you tomorrow.”
He leaned over, gave me another kiss and left.